So I have not blogged in a few days because honestly I have not known what to say. Things inside my head have been crazy, but my front has been working. But I can't do it anymore. I have to take it down and be vulnerable. So I am going to try and explain what is going on in this crazy head of mine.
Well, I have been letting my anxiety get the best of me. I have a feeling that PMS has a lot to do with it. But who knows, aunt flo is not here yet. I just feel like a panic attack is coming, dunno when. I have this knot in the bottom of my tummy that just is not going away. I dunno what to do. I have been praying a lot. It seems I pray for everything. Myself, my fiends, my friends friends. Everything. I just feel like I am falling short in everything.
As for my weight loss, that has actually been good. This week I lost 3 pounds. I actually am doing this. I have lost 27 pounds so far. I am so proud of myself. But it is hard to get past everything to be proud. I work out a lot. Seems to be the only thing that keeps my mind clear. But as soon as I finish things come back to crazy in my head.
These demons will not beat me. I have not told anyone this. Not my husband (who i share everything), my friends, my family..no one. I keep telling myself to stay positive, to be positive. But it's just words when your mind and heart will not. I try and turn the negative into a positive. But sometime (most of the time) my mind will not let me. So I just put on this front that everything is OK. When it is not. 2 weeks ago, I was happy and getting my confidence back. Where did that go? I want that chick back!
I have been stressed out about this thing i am supposed to help out with for my trip in October. I want to help, but honestly with work i do not have time. Sometimes I feel pressured into things (not just this) and I can't just say no. I feel bad because I want to help, but honestly who am I kidding in this mental state I am on auto pilot. I will have enough money saved up for when we go, but I am kinda upset because I feel if I do not do this then it will not help out the group of friends and will not be able to get our friend here for the retreat. I dunno. (Just letting my feeling run, sorry sisters. This is not to make any of you upset! Please don't be)
So that is what I am searching for. Peace. Peace....inner and outer peace. I keep breathing, deep breath, saying to myself be positive, stay positive...just going to keep saying it...one of these times it will click.
Thanks all for reading!
Love,
Anna Banana
Monday, July 27, 2009
Searching
Posted by Anna at 8:04 AM
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3 comments:
Hey Sis,
(I don't know why I started writing moreso like this was a letter versus a comment - lol).
Let's start with the positives - YOU ARE DOING GREAT @ your weight loss - I am so proud of you and the effort you are putting into your workouts. It's paying off and you ARE succeeding! ((hugs))
About the event & the trip - don't even sweat it babe! I can do this - you just show up! :) I want to see your beautiful, beaming face in person and give you a HUGE sister hug! I love you Anna!
About everything else, you know - I think this has just been a rough time for quite a few of us girls lately, I get that impression for talking to the other sisters. Lexi's Lupus episode, Ali's rough morning yesterday, my sleepless nights and sinus infection and now what you are writing about here.
The first thing that popped into my head when I read the end of you post was a scripture actually, "Peace, be still and know that I am God." Ps 46:10 I don't know if that will encourage you at all today, but I know you said you've been praying about everything and falling short in everything. Another verse that I really love talks about after you've done all else, just "STAND." Sometimes we know nothing else to do - seems we've exhausted all our efforts and we still aren't seeing much changing - that's when I find comfort in that word telling me to simply STAND. Stand knowing God is in control. He's never left me nor forsaken me. When I am weak, HE is strong...I don't understand everything going on, all the chaos right now - but I'm simply just going to stand on what I do know and let that keep me from falling. :)
I hope that helps and encourages you even a little today.
ANNA! I wish I were there to wrap you in my arms! I love you girly. Please don't feel pressured! Kristin only said those of us who CAN = ) Dont feel bad chicka and do NOT let it stress you out. It's not worth it. We WILL get Lex here. We will. you dont worry. PROMISE YOU WONt???
Thank you both ladies, you have now melted me to a pile of tears. Thank you both for praying for me and I will continue to pray for you guys!
mesha, when i read the Peach be still...i lost it! completely. I forgot about that scripture! and I will just stand! STAND!
love you both SOOOO much!
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