Soul Searching

So yesterday was a really bad day for me. I mean really mentally and physically. So after coming home from the gym I decided to make dinner and to turn off the computer because I needed to do some soul searching and I knew I needed to do this by myself. So I spent some much needed time with the hubby and then we went to bed. I laid in bed for 2 hours just thinking. Thinking about my life, my family, my friends, my weight loss, my job. Just about everything I could think about. Then I decided to just write. I took a notebook and just started writing down everything that came to mind until my mind stopped rolling and nothing was there. It was a state of euphoria. I felt at peace. After seeing 4 pages of crazy crap. I decided to LET GO. Let go of everything. All of my fears and doubts in myself. All the worries, all the anxiety. EVERYTHING. It was SO freeing. (I suggest everyone to this!) So I fell asleep with no worries, no fear, no anxiety, no heart palpitation, nothing. It was the best night sleep I had in months. I woke up this morning refreshed and ready to tackle anything that comes my way. It is time to be positive. Time to quit faking it and DO IT!

I got on the computer this morning and had SO many messages from my sisters. They were amazing. I needed them. Just to affirm the positive vibe I was feeling. Then i posted my first status of the day and kristin commented, I lost it, I CRIED! I know goofy. Then Ali commented and then I read all the positive things in my inbox. I think I cried for a good 20 minutes this morning and it felt good. It was cleansing. I think that was exactly what I needed to help me with this goal. To stay and be positive and determined and to help motivate others. You have to do it for yourself by yourself. But you do need a few cheerleaders along the way. I found a bunch in my sisters. You all mean so much to me. Each one of you push me in a way I need it. You all mean the world to me. kristin, ali, alexis, mesha, courtney, val...I love you all and thank you so much. You are my angels!

Searching

So I have not blogged in a few days because honestly I have not known what to say. Things inside my head have been crazy, but my front has been working. But I can't do it anymore. I have to take it down and be vulnerable. So I am going to try and explain what is going on in this crazy head of mine.

Well, I have been letting my anxiety get the best of me. I have a feeling that PMS has a lot to do with it. But who knows, aunt flo is not here yet. I just feel like a panic attack is coming, dunno when. I have this knot in the bottom of my tummy that just is not going away. I dunno what to do. I have been praying a lot. It seems I pray for everything. Myself, my fiends, my friends friends. Everything. I just feel like I am falling short in everything.

As for my weight loss, that has actually been good. This week I lost 3 pounds. I actually am doing this. I have lost 27 pounds so far. I am so proud of myself. But it is hard to get past everything to be proud. I work out a lot. Seems to be the only thing that keeps my mind clear. But as soon as I finish things come back to crazy in my head.

These demons will not beat me. I have not told anyone this. Not my husband (who i share everything), my friends, my family..no one. I keep telling myself to stay positive, to be positive. But it's just words when your mind and heart will not. I try and turn the negative into a positive. But sometime (most of the time) my mind will not let me. So I just put on this front that everything is OK. When it is not. 2 weeks ago, I was happy and getting my confidence back. Where did that go? I want that chick back!

I have been stressed out about this thing i am supposed to help out with for my trip in October. I want to help, but honestly with work i do not have time. Sometimes I feel pressured into things (not just this) and I can't just say no. I feel bad because I want to help, but honestly who am I kidding in this mental state I am on auto pilot. I will have enough money saved up for when we go, but I am kinda upset because I feel if I do not do this then it will not help out the group of friends and will not be able to get our friend here for the retreat. I dunno. (Just letting my feeling run, sorry sisters. This is not to make any of you upset! Please don't be)

So that is what I am searching for. Peace. Peace....inner and outer peace. I keep breathing, deep breath, saying to myself be positive, stay positive...just going to keep saying it...one of these times it will click.

Thanks all for reading!

Love,
Anna Banana

It's Wednesday

So I thought I would post a mid week update on things!

So I have been so excited the last few days and doing SOOO well with eating and my workouts. I went to the gym Monday and Tuesday. Monday was 90 minutes and tuesday was 70 minutes cause I was in a time crunch. I felt so good. They have these awesome new ellipticals that i LOVE. I do a 10 minute warm up on the treadmill and then onto the elliptical. On monday I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and tuesday I did 50! I was so proud! Monday I also did free weights and weight machienes.

It was so funny, all the air foece guys kept looking at me like this fat chick is keeping up with us! On tuesday, kenny decided to split up and he went to the bikes which were across the room. I said in my zone on the elliptical and he said this skinny little frilly princess came and got on the elliptical next to me. I saw her but did not pay any attention. He said she looked at me and then looked at my legs and then started and tried to keep up with me. she would start and stop and kept looking at me Kenny said. He said she tried for about 5 minutes and could not keep up, so she got off the elliptical and left the room. He told me this on the way home and I just laughed. I kept up with the air force dudes. I think they thought I was going to pass out. I was sweating everywhere! It was CRAZY! I am so proud!

So today and tomorrow I am working so exercise will be at home. So biggest loser bootcamp and walking. Also, my challanges from Ali and Val! Got them Sistas!

But other than a really bad thing happened last night. Which involved a kitten at a place we went to eat. Needless to say i did not eat. I did not bring it home. Thank goodness a wonderful person came and decided to take care of it becasue it was hurt pretty bad. I could not sleep last night. I cried all evening. I can still see the eyes of the kitty looking into my eyes and meowing like it was saying help me....***ok crying now**** ok trying to move on! But that's what's been going on!

Weigh in day and pondering

So today is my weigh in day. I switched up my workout this week and worked out harder then ever. Yesterday I did a 90 minute workout with 60 minutes of cardio. But I know my body and how I ate this week and I kinda had a feeling it was not going to be a good weigh in.

So I got on the scale and only gained a pound. Way better then I expected. Yes it is a gain, but it's a pound. I can totally deal with that!

This week I am REALLY going to focus on eating better. Last week I did not make the best choices, but this week I am REALLY going to try.

So I still can not decide what to do. I am being indecicive this week. My weight watchers subscription is up in September and my birthday is in september also. I was thinking about stopping weight watchers and going back to counting calories and asking for a bodybugg for my birthday. I am not sure what to do. So far in a month in a half I have lost 7 pounds with WW. I just dunno what I am going to do. WW seeems to be working, but when I was calorie counting I was not doing it well. So do I give it a try and spend the money?

I don't wanna buy anything until I find out about our Kristin trip! YAY!

It's friday

So today is friday and my hubby went back to work today! Which was bittersweet! I will miss him! I have 4 kids today, by myself. Kenny has been home since July 2nd and has been a big help. So this will be a shock to my system! LOL! But saturday and sunday I only have one and then monday and tuesday me and the hubby are supposed to be off!

I am going to try and break in my new shoes today. I waslked on the treadmill for about 10 minutes cause I wanted to see how they felt on there and my left toes went numb. So that's not good. So i am going to try and wear them around the house today and see how that goes.

So stupid me stepped on the scale this morning. I have gained 2 pounds. Which I knew I would. My weekend I didn't eat the best food, plus I changed my workout routine so I knew this was going to happen. My weigh in is not until sunday. So we will see.

Workout wise today, i think I am going to do the bootcamp again tonight. It is tough and gets my heart pumping! I will have one kiddo still here and with him here when I workout it is hard to concentrait on yoga. So sweating and walking for half hour. That will be an hour total. I may take some time at nap time and do some crunches. I need to start doing those again. Those help me strech my back cause I do them on an exercise ball! Tonight and tomorrow and then a rest day! YAY! i have actually enjoyed this week of exercise. Which is crazy...enjoy exercise. I have had my girls pushing me, which has been my motivation. And I keep thinking of somthing Kristin told us, exercise is not supposed to be comfortable...oh and my exercise isn't. LOL!

Well I better get going baby is screaming. She was soooo good yesterday! Guess she is back to her normal ways! :)

Goals..

So when I began this journey to weight loss I made goals. So I thought I would share them!

1. to be able to run a mile without stopping

2. to walk/run a half marathon

3. to get off my blood pressure medicine

4. to be able to wear clothes without an X or a 2 in the size

5. to live a healthier lifestyle

6. to inspire others to get healthy for themselves

7. to be able to walk around in a sleeveless shirt and be confident about it

8. to wear a bathing suit and be confident

9. to be able to run and play with the kids i watch

10. to see the bigger picture in life. Not just failure

I have had other little goals along the way, but these are the ones that stick out the most.

Fun Fun Fun

So yesterday was a good day! Had the day off and spent it with the hubby! He has been off for quite a few days so he has been kickin my butt in workouts. We ran errands yesterday and did a few other things that needed to get done. We got these cool new shoes. I have been looking at them for a while but they are like $100 or over. We were at Kmart and found them for 35 and then it was buy one get one 50% off! So he got a pair too! Check them out. Here is the link to the sketchers website that tells you what they do. http://www.skechers.com/info/shape_ups

They are going to take a little to get used to but they are obviously worth it. Here is a pic of the ones I bought.

So my workout yesterday consisted of weight loss yoga with bob and walking 30 minutes. My goal is to get an hour of workout in everyday this week. So far so good! Tonight is bootcamp again and walking! I have the love hate relationship with the bootcamp dvd! LOL! I have switched up my workout this week. So we will see how the scale likes it on sunday. Everytime I switch things up my body takes a week to get used to it, so I have a feeling I may gain a pound or two. But that is ok! I will be on track. My body just needs to catch up!

So in some cool news, a few of my friends and I are trying to get Kristin to do a weekend bootcamp so that we can all go! We are hoping that she will! Keep our fingers crossed! Also, in March 2011 we are all going to Disneyworld and walk/run in the disney princess half marathon! That has been one of my goals since day 1. To do a half marathon. I am hoping my then I will be past my goal weight and onto a new goal weight and train hard to maybe be a runner..LOL. We will see.

But that is the news for the day! Hope yall have a wonderful day!

So far...

Your favorite recipes...

So I am ALWAYS looking for new healthy recipes to try. So I decided to put this out there to everyone and see what your favorite yummy recipes are?! Throw em at me! I am a chocoholic so anything you got that can help me I would LOVE!!

Oh what a day..

So yesterday was a tough day for me working. I had a baby here all day and all she wanted to do was scream. No tears, just scream. She is 3 months and she only slept 35 minutes all day yesterday. And all she wanted was held and with 3 other daycare kids I can not do that. So needless to say I was stressed to the max. I had such a headache and since I am a stress eater, that's what I wanted to do was eat! I wanted to binge on just about everything I had in the house. The hubby even wanted to go out for dinner. So before I did anything I stepped back, took a breather and said to myself. You can have a HEALTHY snack and then what you planned for dinner (healthy). And ya know what, that is EXACTLY what I did. No binging, no out to eat! It finally hit me, I am in control! It feels WONDERFUL!

As for my workout yesterday, I got the BL boot camp DVD on Sunday and decided that yesterday was the perfect day to try it out! So my hubby and I embarked on the 1st 2 week workout which I believe was 5 minute warm up, 20 minute workout and a 5 minute cool down. BOY, I thought I had been working out before but holy crap! Both the hubby and I were huffing by the end of the warm up! It was crazy! The boot camp portion was AWESOME and I could not wait for the cool down..LOL! I was sweating like I had never sweat before! It was CRAZY! I can not believe that it worked me out so well. (I know it did cause when i woke up this morning I am feeling it!!) LOL! So now after the the DVD I decided to walk another 30 minutes on the tread climber to equal out my hour. I try to get in a hour a day. Just because my time is precious and I try to do all high intensity and by the time I am done....I AM DONE...lol! So yesterday I made myself proud by being in control of my eating in a stressful time and having a kick butt workout!

Here is my picture to prove it! Don't mind it is the same shirt, I washed it I promise!!! LOL!

So now onto today (Wednesday) is my day off! YAY! My next day off after this is Monday. So I have errands to run and all that wonderful stuff! Tonight is a BL weight loss yoga and a walking night. If you do not have the yoga, I recommend it. I did not think it would work me out or I would not be a yoga person, but it does! Bob is so motivational and he has you doing things that I never thought would be possible for me! My hubby even does it! By the time we are done we are sweating too!!

So that's about it! I just wanted to shout out to all my girls! You all are amazing! Keep moving! I am excited about the fact we may all do the Disney Princess Half in 2011! I am excited of the idea that Ali and I and who ever wants to join may go do a Kristin boot camp! I am just excited that there are so many things out there for us just waiting for us all to conquer them! Love you all!

Remember, do something today to make you feel proud!!!

Soooo

So, Kenny and I went to the track and drug my last daycare boy with us. He is 4 years old. The track is about 1/4 of a mile there and 1/4 back. So I did good there. We got to the track and it is humid as heck outside. First I walk a lap to get the feel of it. Then I began running. 30 second intervals. Well my 30 seconds turned into 35 and then 40. I was SO happy but felt like I was going to puke! I would run then walk for about 40 seconds to a minute then I would run and walk, I think I ended up doing at least 4 laps maybe 5. Can't remember. So in the middle of running I needed a break. So I had the big idea to let's run stairs. OMG, up run across and down. OMG!! I seriously thought I was going to go head first down those stairs! But I did it I finished it! Slow, but finished. Then did another 2 runs and then the walk home. As I was walking home, I started hurting..seriously thought I was going to faint and my innerds were going to fall out. I walked as fast as my little legs could get me here. I was white as a ghost. But made it. Did not get to the bootcamp dvd like I wanted to, but I the non-runner conqured the run. So I am going to try and run at least 3 times a week. I may not be fast, but I am going! So tomorrow is bootcamp day and walking.

So the moral of this is to keep moving. No one can tell you that you are not worth it! Becasue you are. At least you are trying and moving, maybe slow...but moving!

Switching it up..

Well I decided that just doing the EAS active and walking on the treadclimber was getting REALLY boring. But with working and having 4 kids, 3 mobile and an infant that it is SOO hard to get outside. The 3 kids leave at 5PM but my last one leaves at 7PM. So it is really really hard to get outside to work out. So I went out last night and bought the Biggest Loser bootcamp DVD. I already have the Biggest Loser weight loss yoga. So I decided that I am going to do those alternating daily and after the kids leave and before the one kid leaves at 7. Then on my days off I am going to go to the high school track right down the street and start trying to run. I am SOOO excited! My plan for the first 2 weeks is to run for 30 seconds and then walk for a minute and keep going until I can go anymore or I been going for at least an hour. And on the days that I can not get out there anytime I will continue walking on the treadclimber. So that is my new plan of attack for the next few weeks. So I will see how that goes.

Weight Watchers has been awesome. I lost 4 pounds this weigh in. I gained 2 pounds last weigh in thanks to Aunt Flo's monthly stop. Damn witch..LOL! But I lost the 2 pounds I gained and then 2 more. So total of 8 pounds in a month. Not the biggest loss ever but it is a loss in itself! I lost an average of 2 pounds a week! That is much better than just counting calories and doing it on my own. When I was doing that I was only loosing about a pound a week. So, I got the 3 month online subscription to WW cause I can't get to meetings on the days cause of my work. It was so funny, in my weigh in this week it yelled at me casue I lost 4 pounds. LOL says I should only lose 2 pounds a week! LOL! So I will see how it goes. I was wanting to get a bodybugg for my birthday in september, but I don't know now becasue I dunno if I want to go back to counting calories. I like the bodybugg becasue it can pin point exactly how many calories i am burning a day. So i dunno what to do.

Last week was an awesome week for me. I got to hear Kristin on a confrence call and becasue of that I got to meet my new friend and weight loss buddy Ali. She is an AMAZING she has lost 60 pounds so far (I think). She is an AMAZING motivator! Even though sometimes she thinks otherwise. She has been so good to me and she seems to say the right things to keep me moving. She has been through everything I have been through and am going through. And it is all becasue of Kristin who made this possible!

Well I think that is it for the day. I will be right back with ya tomorrow, hopefully I will remember. I am not very consistant with this blog thing...LOL! I will try!

Remember do somthing today to make you feel proud!

Proud...

This is the note that made me decide to start a weight loss blog...

What have YOU done today to make YOU feel proud?

This is a saying that I live by, but this week I have been really thinking about this tiny phrase. It may be a few words but these words have such an impact for SO many people.

As most of you know I am a biggest loser fan and have been for many years. It was not till this past season (season 7) that I realized that I needed the show more than anything. I may not have been on the show, but I lived through each and every one of those contestants. Especially my girl Kristin! She is truly amazing,beautiful person! I often read her blogs, facebooks and twitters and she is an amazing motivator to really push me. She IS me. She is every woman out there that wants to succeed. She has and still is! I only wish one day to meet her and tell her how much she has ment to me. Words can not completely explain how she has inspired me in so many ways to take my life back. She taught me that I am worth it and that this is my fight. For yourself, by yourself! I have met SOOO many people online that inspire me every day! I can not believe how many awesome people there are out there that are just like me. It is amazing. I have finally found the support that I NEEDED all along!

So, this week I decided to reevaluate things. To finally stop and look at things and finally realize that I am doing this! I am pushing on, I am fighting for my life and I am winning! I may be losing slowly, but I am a loser.( ha ha ha) I cried this past weekend all because of a pair of shorts! LOL! I actually had to go buy a pair of smaller shorts. I could not believe it. I tried on clothes that were the size I was and I was SWIMMING! I was so PROUD!

So back to my “theme”. Everyday when I get up I tell myself, Anna, do something today to make you feel proud! ANYTHING! Most of the time for me it is exercising,losing weight and eating right. And at night I ask myself so what did you do today to make you feel proud? And before I go to bed I reflect on my day and see that I am fighting this battle. FIGHTING tooth and nail...but winning!

I just wanted everyone to think about this phrase. Be positive about life. Keep your head up and keep MOVING! Don't stop until you reach the top of that mountain. It does not matter how long it takes you. As long as you do whatever it takes to make you feel proud!