Scary Truth...

So tonight I was getting ready to write in my journal and then I was going to have my night chat with kenny. Well by the time I reached for my journal be was out and snoring like a mac truck. So I decided to write this blog. This one little blog that I have been putting off for MONTHS now. Things I have not wanted to tell anyone because I dont want people to see me as a failure. But here goes nothing.

Over the last year I have struggled with my weight. From moving to different jobs I have managed to go from 185 back to 195. I wanted to be honest with everyone who is reading this. I have had some VERY rough times. I feel like a complete failure. How can I talk to people about changing their lives when I have gained 10 pounds! Yes I have lost 65 pounds, but I still feel like a hypocrite. Also, I am supposed to be studying for my personal training certification....who wants a fat personal trainer.

I can not get myself together. I dont really have a support system anymore. Kenny, bless his heart, is just my enabler. I have no one to hold me accountable like I hold others. I could do wonderful exercise but blow everything on diet. WHAT AM I DOING? I am afraid that if I do not do something soon I may lose my job.

I was reading my old journals the other night and I was so driven and determined and positive. Now I am back to being blah, negative and making excuses. I really do forget why I started this journey. And that makes me cry every time I think about it. I was working so hard and now I am slipping back to the habits that got me to 260 pounds.

I am failing. I am not making anyone proud, not even myself. Every time I get back up I self sabotage myself and fall right back into my pit.


I sacrificed everything to get here and now I am drowning. Struggling.....

where to go from here?