Scary Truth...

So tonight I was getting ready to write in my journal and then I was going to have my night chat with kenny. Well by the time I reached for my journal be was out and snoring like a mac truck. So I decided to write this blog. This one little blog that I have been putting off for MONTHS now. Things I have not wanted to tell anyone because I dont want people to see me as a failure. But here goes nothing.

Over the last year I have struggled with my weight. From moving to different jobs I have managed to go from 185 back to 195. I wanted to be honest with everyone who is reading this. I have had some VERY rough times. I feel like a complete failure. How can I talk to people about changing their lives when I have gained 10 pounds! Yes I have lost 65 pounds, but I still feel like a hypocrite. Also, I am supposed to be studying for my personal training certification....who wants a fat personal trainer.

I can not get myself together. I dont really have a support system anymore. Kenny, bless his heart, is just my enabler. I have no one to hold me accountable like I hold others. I could do wonderful exercise but blow everything on diet. WHAT AM I DOING? I am afraid that if I do not do something soon I may lose my job.

I was reading my old journals the other night and I was so driven and determined and positive. Now I am back to being blah, negative and making excuses. I really do forget why I started this journey. And that makes me cry every time I think about it. I was working so hard and now I am slipping back to the habits that got me to 260 pounds.

I am failing. I am not making anyone proud, not even myself. Every time I get back up I self sabotage myself and fall right back into my pit.


I sacrificed everything to get here and now I am drowning. Struggling.....

where to go from here?

2 years ago

On March 10, 2009 I woke up and decided that it was time to change my life. I want to start back at the beginning of my story because I NEVER want to forget where I came from.

I spent nights in bed crying to my husband because I could not breath. My weight was literally crushing me to the point where I had to sleep with a fan and sit up to breath.

So, January 2009 I made that new years resolution to lose weight, but of course I broke it 2 days in. I then decided after my primary doctor had suggested to me MANY times that I would look into gastric bypass surgery. I was 260 pounds. March 11, 2009 I was supposed to see the surgeon for my big consultation for the gastric bypass surgery. March 10, 2009 was the day I CHANGED MY LIFE. I woke up that day and decided that surgery was just not for me. I said I would give myself a year to do this on my own and if I could not do it I would then see the surgeon.

I was determined that this was MY time. I have seen so many people on all these tv shows lose weight, why couldn't I. So baby steps I took. Cutting out my favorite chinese restaurant only to once a week instead of twice and drinking more water. When I really started logging my food in my notebook it clicked just how much I was eating. Some days I ate over 4000 calories a day...A DAY! What was I doing to myself! After just slowly fixing my eating I had lost 5 pounds. So thats when I added exercise. I started out with a Biggest Loser dvd, I could not make it through the warm up. But I kept trying. I also bought a little pedal bike I could sit on the couch and watch tv and pedal. I started at 15 minutes of activity a day. The next week I added 5 more minutes and so on. On my days off of work I was exercising almost 2 hours a day!

I was doing this! I was seeing the results. By August 2009 I had lost 40 pounds. I then met a great support group of girls. They showed me that it's not only about weight. It's about fixing myself mentally too. The support and love they showed me will stay with me for the REST of my life. They are all angels in my book!

January 19, 2010 was a BIG milestone for me. Thats the day I weighed in at 199 pounds. I have never felt more proud of myself in my entire life. It's so empowering to realize that I AM DOING THIS!

April 2010 is when I decided to start to maintain my weight loss. We moved to Florida and stress began. At this point I was 185 pounds. I was able to go visit my family before I came to Florida. I got to see my mom who is my biggest fan! I was SO proud to show her what I was able to to. To see the smile on her face, made me feel so proud. I remember the first thing she said to me when she saw me get out of the car, OH MY GOODNESS, WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER!! LOL! That made me smile!

Fast forward to the present, March 10, 2011. I will tell you that this last year has been VERY tough. Moving, new jobs, and a whole new area has taken a toll on me. I did gain 5 pounds to 190. Through hard work I am back to 185 pounds! 75 pounds down! On my way to 100 pounds down! I can do this! I am loving the way my life has taken me.

Now, thats my story. It's time to get to the nitty gritty that I want to never forget. This has been a struggle. I am not going to lie. The HARDEST thing I have ever had to face in my 28 years of life. My husband has been the best supporter in this journey. He has seen me through good times and bad. I am blessed to have him. But, even with all this support I have realized that I had to do this with/for myself. I am the only one who can help myself. I have always said that this journey is 80% mental and 20% physical. I realized that my self worth was non existent. I have had many ahh haa moments in this journey. But the day that I realized that I was worth it, really was a monumental moment. I even got a tattoo on my ankle that reads I'm Worth It. So I can see it every day. Not only am I worth losing weight, but I am worth taking care of myself, I am worth self respect, I am worth it all! Positivity was another big thing I learned the hard way. My life was full of negative thoughts and negative people. So I got rid of them all and changed everything to the positive. Yes, I still have negative self talk, “I cant do that exercise, or I can have a 2nd piece of cake, but I try to turn that negative talk into a positive one. Not I can't but I will try my best and if I don’t get it this time, I will do it next time. I wont give up.

I will tell you that this has been a struggle. If someone on a journey like mine tells you different, they are lying. BUT, I realized that each struggle, each stumble, each time I fell off that wagon, I got back up. I did not let it get me down. As my dad and brother would tell me “I didn't hear no bell”. Get Up!

If you would have asked me 2 years ago what I would be doing at this moment, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. I am paying it forward. I have had so many accomplishments. I ran a 5K (3.2 miles) in March 2010, I ran a 5K (3.2 miles) in July 2010 andI ran a 10K (6.2 miles) in December 2010 I am working at an awesome gym, running a weight loss program-teaching people everything that I have learned. Not only do I teach the nutritional aspect, but the mental aspect. Letting my clients know that I love them. They are worth taking care of themselves. I want to support them just like my family and friends supported me. It's all about accountability. Plus I am studying for my personal training certification through (ACE- The American Council on Exercise). That is a dream come true! I also am working at an organic cafe. I learn more and more everyday about different foods that I have never even heard of before. It's amazing all of the wonderful foods I am learning about and how to cook things in a healthy way.

The people that have helped me along this journey I am so grateful for. My husband, my parents,my family, my best friend(Becca), my sisters (Ali,Mesha,Val), my amazing bosses, my friends, my facebook friends and everyone that I have helped along the way. I am blessed to have angels in heaven too that I know are watching over me, protecting me and I know they are proud of me!


If there is one thing I can tell anyone who is thinking about starting a journey, is just beginning a journey or have been living this journey that is YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU ARE WORTH IT!


Thanks so much for reading!

-Anna